I know that full well

Lately, I feel easily overwhelmed with certain things. Sometimes, the blog feels that way.. so I just push it off for a rainy day. I was attempting to type my latest post when this whole blog thing started to feel incredibly incomplete.

You see, there’s more to the story than you know. With blogging, it is easy to only share the fun stuff. Unfortunately, this can make the author seem “perfect,” simply because I am more likely to post on good days than to share the not so pretty areas of my life on the world wide web. Today, I want to share something with you that will be hard to write down, to catch you all up. But I think it must be done in order for this to be genuine, to build a trust between us. I am a filthy sinner, with a past. I also think it might be less overwhelming for me if it’s on paper and not just swirling in my head. My memory is spotty, but I think it all started around 13.

I wouldn’t call it bullying, but a few comments in the lunchroom to the tune of “ever heard of the Subway diet?” have affected me more than I realized at the time. It was 6th grade, I was 5’2″ and remember wearing a size 6.. Now I know that is not big. AT ALL. But being bigger than most of the other girls was the worst part of all. The most important thing at that age was fitting in. I didn’t make the dance team my sixth grade year, which didn’t help.

By seventh grade, I had naturally grown up and slimmed out some. I got interested in working out, going to spin classes with one of my best friends and the “baby fat” that stayed way to long dropped off without to much effort.

I don’t know where it began, but I think around 9th grade, I became obsessed with my weight and exercise. Self comparison. Numbers. I honestly don’t even remember this time at all… I’ve just found notebooks covered in weights and calorie counts I didn’t even realize I had been keeping track of for so long. I knew, and still know, calorie amounts of almost everything. It’s like a terrible talent.

I remember eating until I was so overly full I couldn’t think of anything else, throwing up just to relieve some of the guilt. No one knew I struggled. I was never out of a normal weight range, so it was an internal battle… between what I knew deep down was right and I let other people, the media, and modern ideals tell me would make me happy. If I wasn’t 120, I wasn’t perfect.

Baby food diet, Drop10, Weight Watchers, Weigh down workshop, calorie counting, bite counting, all fruit, no carbs, all protein, all liquid, you name it, I’ve tried it. For a few hours at least. I am one of the lucky ones. I was able to avoid the worst. I was never determined enough to take any of these extreme ideas for more than a test drive I quickly got out of. I always drifted back to eating normally until the next great idea came along. My weight really never shifted more than a couple pounds.

This post is more for me than for you. It feels like a weight lifted off my chest to get this craziness out of my head. Maybe, sometime, I can help someone escape the harsh reality of how hard eating and body image can be for girls. It was never a topic that was spoken about in my middle and high school years… yet tons of girls around me were all suffering from the same thing.

I don’t have any explanation for you as to why I’m writing this, other than to give you my full history and to get it out of my head. I should be writing my speech on artificial sweeteners, but here I sit, words flowing from my fingers.
I know there is a reason I’m okay with pushing the publish button.

My God is healer. He has removed me so much from this time of my life that the memories, are just that. 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

Psalm 139:14

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Double Time

I have noticed in studying the Word recently that many verses are repeated, almost word for word. I love to find them; specifically because I feel that anything recurring must be important!

One passage I recall is Luke 6:46-49 says, “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord’ and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”

Matthew 7: 24-27 states, “Therefore, everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man building a house on rock. The rain came down, the streams rose and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall. But everyone who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built a house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

Whether it is an actual recurring verse or just seeing something twice, I cannot ignore it after the second time!! 

Today, it was Ephesians 2. Rachel at bible study asked what we would say if someone asked us why we are Christians/what the Gospel is? and I was convicted. I can give you a “sunday school” answer, or phrase it in my own, lacking words. But I can hardly think of an exact scripture to share. I am nothing without God!

She encouraged us to memorize Ephesians 2, a condensed passage laid out perfectly for explaining to someone who didn’t grow up in church or has no knowledge of our Lord and Savior. I made note of this and planned to look back later…

Once I got home, I started to look at Multiplymovement.com, a study focused on making disciples from a book by Francis Chan. Not two paragraphs from the beginning it says EPHESIANS 2. 

Okay, Okay, I cannot ignore it. 

I encourage you to read Ephesians 2 as well. Would you be ready if someone approached you about the word of God today? I know I am unprepared. Luckily, I think God would intercede and speak through me, but I must memorize scripture so that I am able to speak His words, not mine. 

We are called to memorize. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 “All scripture is God breathed and useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”

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Our only way to fight satan is with scripture. 

“…take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.” EPHESIANS 6:16